The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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