He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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