The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
