You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
