apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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