I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
