Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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