i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
someone owes me an orgasm
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize