I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
