anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
