If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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