He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
