wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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