WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize