they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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