turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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