dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
