Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
