sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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