i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
