An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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