I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize