i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
