i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
