Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize