so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
