Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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