I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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