dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
