I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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