Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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