Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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