but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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