I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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