I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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