If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
