If that was your dad, he is hot
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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