My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
