Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
