I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
