how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
