What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
