Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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