The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Randomize
