K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
