Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
