My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
