Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
