Cold hands, warm shart.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
