I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Someone signed my nipple.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
