And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You are a genius and a whore.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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