do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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