Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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