fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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