I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
