I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it glows. i had to have it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
