I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
