I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
