You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
