I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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