Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
